Doors
On the cracks in the everyday
Within the last year, I attended my first Master's thesis and PhD defence. Before, I never had anyone to invite me, especially not someone close who had reached a PhD level. I felt very honoured both times, even if I could attend only online. It felt like opening a new door and peeking behind to see a part of the world I hadn't seen before.
It was marvellous to support my friend Bhuvi, with whom I partnered on projects during our Master's journey, and see him cross the finish line in the hardworking and dedicated way he has approached all the other work prior.
Hilde's PhD defence had a wonderful ceremony at the University of Eindhoven. I've been fortunate to work with her and read her work already, but seeing it all come together like that was truly special. I can't imagine how it felt.
As a first-gen Uni student, I didn't grow up with a circle that brought possibilities like this early on. My late mother, who often worked 12-hour kitchen shifts, was always urging me to keep a pragmatic head on and "dream less". These days, I know that she just wanted to protect me from disappointment and heartache. She underestimated how stubborn I am.
This is why taking the time these days to finish my own Master's thesis feels special in many ways.
When I applied up for the program in May 2020, I did it during my then freshly 2-year-old's naptime - the world was collapsing, our tiny Kita closed indefinitely (and we will mostly be without childcare for the next year and a half). I just quit the job I went back to after maternity leave. But I also had a new permanent residence permit, all classes moved online, and my husband had a stable job. My thoughts circled to the program I first reached out to (and yearned to join) in 2014, as a brand-new immigrant in Germany. There was something freeing in the collapse of all previous plans. It made space for something unthinkable until then: what would I do if everything was turned on its head and I didn't have to do "the right thing"?
Since then, I intermittently paused that degree to earn some money, to (anxiously) keep my industry skills fresh, to care, to support and to love a bit extra when necessary.
The experience has given me new friends and collaborators who invite me to their academic achievements, days filled with reading scientific work, and deep foundational knowledge in areas like cognitive science, linguistics and machine learning that I barely dared to dream about in the last (almost) 20 years. It has given me quiet morning train rides to Potsdam and conversations with ambitious folks, often much younger than me. The maths we did sometimes made my whole brain burn (and it was glorious!), and the topics we worked on gave me the motivation to keep coming back to the workbooks between all that motherhood in isolation asks of someone.
It took a lot of right choices to get from where I started to where I am now. Many of those choices were a desperate attempt to catch up with the folks my age that I wished I could be like, or have the opportunities they do. Sometimes working more, harder and longer than everyone else still doesn't get you there. And sometimes "there" wouldn't even be the destination if you'd be genuinely free to choose. This is what those ruptures in the fabric of life, such as May 2020, show.
This year feels like another one of those moments again.
Can we be happy with life that is truly our own? (can I?)
Links
We recorded this podcast in early March, but it was just made public. It was a lovely conversation, and I even found myself a bit emotional throughout. We talk about the work I did at the time, some of the work I am still doing and a lot about community.
The app I use to discover the life around me like in the previous post is Seek. I use the app as part of my nature observation and grounding practice.
I am currently half-way through “Wenn die Tage länger werden” by Anne Stern. It takes place in Germany in July. And as it is July in Germany…
Cohere ML Summer School is currently in progress. While the official registration is over, the attendance is still open to everyone and the videos are uploaded right after. The talks are great.
I recently spoke at PyData Berlin, and I will take take the topic with me in two weeks to Prague for EuroPython. Say hi if you are there!
If you have any connections that could lead to a fully funded PhD in some of the areas that I work in (in Berlin), I’d love to hear from you <3